Photo by Lauren_Murphy

We used to eat dinner with the TV on.  After I spent so much time traveling, however, I realized I wanted to connect with my family over dinner.  The 20^th rerun of my favorite episode of NCIS wasn’t as important as hearing my Son or Daughter telling me about their day, or watching Christi’s eyes sparkle as she outlined some new plan for motivating her students to learn.

So I made the decision that we needed to eat dinner at the table with the TV off.  I didn’t really ask anyone’s permission, I just started setting the table and turning off the TV before I called anyone in for dinner.

It took the kids about a week and a half to get used to the format.  Once they did, they talked the whole time!  I enjoy looking into their eyes and trying to figure out who they are becoming!

What barriers do you need to remove and what opportunities do you need to create to allow natural conversation to happen in your family?

Photo by Nuanc

I wish I had a dollar every time I wondered if I am too hard on my kids. Yet, when I look around, I see so many wussy adults who never grew up, are largely self-centered, and who never left home. I don’t want my kids to be like that, so I do – or don’t do – things that foster independence. (Even though a huge part of me likes being the one they come to – I love being the ‘hero.’)

We don’t protect them from every fall.

When my daughter was a toddler, I didn’t keep her from falling. I cannot count the nasty looks I got when I didn’t rush to protect her from a two inch drop. Now I kept her from braking something, or from being a bloody mess, but I didn’t protect her from every bump and bruise – on purpose. The truth of the matter is this – I will not always be around to catch my children when they fall.

We teach them to get back up.

We learn a lot from falling. We learn that small falls will not kill us. We learn about what to do, or what not to do, to keep from falling again. We learn to pick ourselves up and try again.

We even teach my kids how to celebrate their falls.

When they fell, I often exclaimed, “Wow! That was the awesomest fall ever!” A couple of days ago my son ran down the hall, tripped, and basically belly-flopped on the floor. When he caught his breath, I heard him say, “That was awesome!” Then he got back up and continued running.

We teach them to not whine.

My parents had a unbreakable and unbendable rule: If you cry about it, you won’t get it. We adopted this rule for our house as well. Consequently, it forces my children to choke back their tears and frustration and talk with us. This year I watched both my children choke back tears and negotiate for alternatives like, “Mom, I was in the middle of the show. Can I finish and then get my bath?” I am much more inclined to bend a bit when they talk with me. Whining, though, gets them nowhere.

We teach them to talk about their feelings.

“In this house hitting is not allowed. You can say you are angry. You can say you are frustrated. But hitting is not acceptable.” I cannot tell you how many times I have to tell my kids that! Especially my son! But the other day it paid off when I heard my son say, “I don’t like that! That’s not right and makes me mad!” He even did it without hitting his sister! Sweet!

My daughter is really good at this, “Daddy, you know when you yelled at me for disobeying you really broke my heart and made me sad.” Of course, I feel like a pill, but at least she is talking. If we talk, we can work things out. If we sulk, nothing happens.

Most of the time I have no idea if all the little things I do will help my children work hard, be happy, and have families of their own. I hope, but I don’t know. There are many times I talk with God about my kids and parenting. The conversation goes something like this, “Please don’t let me screw up my kids! Help me to love them and show my love everyday. Help them to be independent. To know You. To turn to You when I’m not there. Help them have families of their own some day. Help them understand that I did my best.”

I love being a parent. But parenting…parenting is hard work. Especially if you want to raise your children to be independent adults.

Photo by AlanCleaver_2000

Last night we discussed money around the dinner table.  More specifically, we talked about setting up a weekly allowance for each of our children.  Daughter is seven and Son is 4.  Up until recently, what they got for Christmas and birthdays covered what they wanted at the toy store throughout the year.  Unfortunately, as they get older, the toys become more expensive.  This was, ultimately, the reason for the allowance discussion.

I think allowances are great.  I think a regular allowance teaches children how to save and manage money.  Allowances are a great way to teach children about living on a cash-only system early, before the mistakes take several years to pay off.

I do have a couple of reservations.

I don’t want to encourage my children to adopt a welfare mentality.

I’m not knocking welfare.  There were times in our marriage when we were very glad for any government assistance to help us get through tough times.  We never expected the money to just ‘show up’ though.  We knew we needed to work to make a living.

I want to make sure my children understand that money is the reward for working hard, rather than a basic human right.

Which brings me to my second reservation.

I don’t want my children to see money as a reward for doing things that are a natural part of being a family.

I don’t ever want to pay my kids for cleaning their room.  Having a clean room is a basic part of being family.  Taking your dishes to the kitchen after dinner is a part of living in a family.  Picking up after your self is part of living in a family.

I don’t want my kids to feel they should get paid to do the little things that make ‘family’ work.

What we decided.

We decided to assign a monetary value to things we thought were above the basic expectation of being part of the family for each child, based on their age.  Each child can earn up to $5 a week if they complete all the tasks on their list.

Let me give you an example.  Putting your laundry in the laundry basket and helping forgetful family members do the same is a natural part of being family.  Folding the towels, on the other hand, is something a seven-year-old can do, but wouldn’t be a regular expectation for her age.  Sorting the laundry by color and type is something my four-year-old son can do, but it wouldn’t be a regular expectation for someone his age.  So, if they do those tasks, my kids would earn $1 to $2 dollars, based on difficulty and age.

We’re just staring this allowance thing, so I will let you know how it goes.  I am curious to know what you do in your household to teach your kids about money.  Don’t hesitate to let us know in the comments.

Photo by SVanes

Every male member on one side of my family has died before the age of 60.  There are lots of reasons, but mostly they didn’t take care of themselves and didn’t listen to anything any doctor had to say.

My dad has made huge strides in breaking this trend.  He’s had multiple stints, bypass surgery, survived cancer, and battles diabetes but he listens to the doctors. (And he’s on an exercise plan.  I’m pretty excited about that!)

Even when my younger brother and I were small, Mom and Dad taught us how to control our eating, to listen to doctors, and to exercise.  I remember running in Malaysia with my Dad when I was eight or nine.  They encouraged us to be active.  They bought us anything we needed to pursue active hobbies.  They bought all my camping equipment when I was in Scouts.  Dad went with me and bought my rock climbing shoes, harness and chalk bag.  They did the same for my brother when he pursued baseball and basketball.  They pretty much supported anything that allowed us to be physically active.

I remained physically active through college.  But, as the story goes, I got married, had kids, and let the physically activity coast to a stop.

When I turned 30, my metabolism decided it had worked hard enough.  I started putting on a bit of weight here and there.  Nothing huge, but alarming nonetheless.

I didn’t like where I was heading physically.  I wanted to be able to play with my kids and grandkids without the limitations my father’s health places on him.  About 2 months ago I started working out to an old step aerobics video.  It was great, but wasn’t working fast enough.  A couple of weeks ago, I found this workout, http://www.fitnessdietcenter.com/navy-seals/.  I’m too old to enlist, but I thought, “The SEALs would be great role models for getting into shape.  I think I’ll give it a go.”  I also joined my daughter’s Tae Kwan Do class on Friday nights.

So far, the workout is going well. (I’ve been pretty sore!) I was way too out of shape to start up immediately.  I’m actually working up to Week One.  I should be there the first week of November.  I am going to post my exercise journal on my blog, http://www.pauldwatson.com, if you want to join me, or if you just want to follow along.

Christi and I are also following my parent’s example and encouraging our children to be active.  Son does ‘Play for Sport’ at the local preschool and Daughter is a yellow belt in Tae Kwan Do. (She outranks me and I’m cool with it!)

I know this post has been longer than most on this blog, but I have a point:  What bad habits does your family have?  What have you done in your life to break those family habits?  How are you helping your kids break those habits?  Yours may not be physical.  Perhaps they are educational, vocational, or financial.  Regardless, are you living in a way to help your kids break the chains of that family habit?

Think about it.

*****

I thought I’d leave you with a video of my daughter breaking boards at a city health fair.  I was completely impressed!  I see this video as one success from my parents’ decision to break unhealthy family habits!

Photo by *Zara

Sorry for the lack of posts.  This is a busy travel season for me.  I’m still trying to figure out how to keep up a daily blog while I’m traveling the globe.

On that note, I’d like to share my favorite commercial at the moment.

I arrive in Finland yesterday.  I skyped my family when I landed and was able to see and talk with my wife and kids.  For any parent that travels, Skype is a huge blessing.  My kids already know how to accept calls from me if Mommy isn’t in the room.

What do you do to stay in touch with your family when you (or they) are away from home?

I hope you had a great weekend!  It was a four day weekend in the USA.  Christi and I had Monday off in celebration of Labor Day and the kids were out of school.  We had a leisurely morning.  We met some people for coffee and then had dinner with my parents.  I love family holidays.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I set up a Thinking Family Facebook page.  As I read through different parenting and family blogs, I wanted a place to easily share some of the best articles with you.  A Facebook page seemed to be the logical choice.  As I find helpful links on the web, I will share the links with you.  I hope you will share what you find as well, so that we can tackle this parenting adventure together.

Here is the link, I hope to connect with you on Facebook!

-Paul.

Photo by Deep Shot

When Tim Ferris wrote the 4-Hour Workweek, I was skeptical.  I eventually read the book to see what everyone was talking about.  It wasn’t bad.

When you read Tim’s book, you have to move beyond all the marketing hype of the 4-hour workweek.  In my opinion, the book isn’t about working four hours.  What Tim really gets at is identifying what you have to change today, what processes and systems you need to set in place now, so that you can live the life you dream of now, or in the near future, rather than hoping for it to happen after you retire.

It’s not about getting rich. Not everyone wants to be rich.  It’s about living intentionally and making choices about life rather than letting life make choices for you.

Sometime the beginning of this year, I realized that I was allowing family to ‘just happen.’  I had a great relationship with my wife and kids, but I knew it could be more.  While we had fun, we could have more.  I had a picture of the family life I wanted, but I hadn’t taken the time to figure out what it would take to get there.  I was letting life make decisions about my family rather than making decisions about my family life. I didn’t want to do that anymore.

Christi and I made some choices about two years ago that definitely made life better for the whole family.  I would say they are at the top of the list for anyone who wants to design the family lifestyle they’ve always wanted.

Get Out of Debt

We stopped using credit cards – cold turkey.  As long as credit was an option, we weren’t ever going to get out of debt.  Debt creates stress, plain and simple.

Save Up an Emergency Fund

As you know, Christi and I got into the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace program.  Dave tells couples to save an emergency fund so that when things go wrong you don’t have to rely on credit cards to bail you out.  An emergency fund is critical to staying off credit cards.

Set Up a Cash-Only Budget

Balance your budget!  If you aren’t bringing it in, in cash, don’t spend it!  It will take some time to work it out.  You’ll have to make cuts to your lifestyle at first, but the freedom you will have after you get off credit is worth it.

You cannot have the freedom you need to design the lifestyle your family deserves if you are enslaved to debt.  Period.  You may have to make drastic cuts now, but future freedom is worth the discomfort.  The more you sacrifice now, the faster you’ll be free to make the choices that are the best for your family.

Tomorrow I’ll outline a couple more elements in the process of family design and becoming the family you want to be.

Photo by ForeverSouls

My parents raised my younger brother and me to be independent adults.  As I parent, I want my children to learn to be independent. (I wrote about it here)  Cooking for yoursel – regardless of skill – is a vital part of achieving independence.

My daugher (7) is at the age we can help her learn to cook with supervision.  Over the  next five years I want to move her through the process my parents used to teach me to cook.  By the last step, I was able to look at any cookbook and fix almost anything.

Mixing. I have no idea how early my parents started allowing me to mix things.  They taught me to mix the wets before adding the solids.  They taught me to mix until I had lumps and  to mix until things were smooth.  I could mix before I could read, from what I can remember.

Measuring. After mixing, I learned about measuring cups and spoons.  I didn’t even know math or fractions, but I learned how to fill a cup of flour when Mom needed one.  I think learning how to measure ended up helping my math in the long run.

Microwave. After mixing and measuring, I learned how to make Butternut Cheerios in the microwave.  I love them when I was a kid – can’t stand them now.)  Instead, I taught my daughter how to make popcorn in the microwave.  I will probably move her up to microwaving burritos next.

Reading Directions. After I learned how to read, I remember my mom sitting me on the counter and reading the directions to her as she measured and combined the ingredients.

Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Grilled cheese sandwiches are cheap, easy to cook, and easy to replace when they burn.  You can cook them over medium heat with a flat pan.  This is the first time a child learns about getting burned, how to use a spatula, and cooking safety.  I can’t remember how old I was when I began cooking grilled cheese sandwiches, but I was young.

Ground Beef. When I was about 8, Mom allowed me to brown the ground beef for spaghetti, tacos, and chili.  In fact, anytime she needed to brown the beef, she let me do it.  It was a step up from grilled cheeses because ground beef is a staple to many easy recipes.

Biscuits. When we lived in India, Mom taught me to follow the basic biscuit recipe in the Joy of Cooking cookbook.  I made biscuits almost once a week when I was 12-13 years old.

Chili. About the same time I learned how to make Chili from scratch.  I loved learning how to cook Chili because I could make a huge pot and have friends over to eat something I made.  In high school, the girls thought I was pretty cool because I was one of the few guys who could actually prepare, cook, and serve a whole meal for a group of people.  I will never forget that moment of ‘coolness.’

I’d love to hear how you’re teaching your kids to cook.  What’s your process?

Photo By JohnTheScone

Sometimes the hardest part of cooking is figuring out what to cook.  I think the same is true for playing with our kids.  Here is quick list of ten things you can do with your kids this weekend.

1. Play Uno – If your kids can recognize their colors and numbers, Uno is a great game.  Right now we are playing more games in our house to help my son (4) learn how to be a ‘good sport’ and lose gracefully.
2. Play Dominos – This is another great game for kids if they can match colors and count the dots.  There are even some domino sets that have pictures of popular Disney or cartoon characters on them.
3. Visit a Used Bookstore – My children love visiting our local Half-Priced Books.  They read quietly in the children’s section while Christi and I look at our books.  The books are cheap, so we don’t mind picking up a book for each child.
4. Build Paper Airplanes – A friend gave me this crazy book of paper and all sorts of paper airplane designs.  I found a couple of websites that do the same – http://www.paperairplanes.co.uk/planes.php and http://www.bestpaperairplanes.com/.
5. Build a Fort – Nothing can beat building a fort from couch cushions, bed sheets, pillows and chairs.  When you get it all done, pop some popcorn and watch your kids’ favorite DVD in the fort on a travel DVD player or laptop.
6. Camp in the Back Yard – I’m not sure I’m ready to take my son on an overnight camping trip.  Setting up a tent in the back yard, cooking on the grill, and sleeping in tents is a good way to see if he can make it through the night.  If anything goes wrong, we can always retreat into the house.
7. Go to the Park – We live in Texas and it is so hot right now that visiting a local park in the afternoon is not really an option.  We can go early in the morning after breakfast or in the evening after dinner.  Some of our local malls have kids play areas.  We can take the kids to one of those in the afternoon and watch them play while Christi and I talk.
8. Color – Break out the paper, colors, markers, and pencils!  This is a great way to relax while developing your child’s creativity.  Have them make a picture to hang up on the refrigerator or design a card to send Grandma.
9. Puzzle – Head to WalMart and grab a couple of cheap and easy puzzles.  Working a puzzle gives your kids a chance to develop their problem solving skills.
10. Have a Water Fight – Grab the water balloons and Super Soakers and head outside!  An old fashioned water fight is a good way to play with your kids and let them work off the extra energy.  My kids always sleep well after an afternoon of running around and shooting each other with water guns.

Those are just a few suggestions of things you can do with your kids this weekend.  What should we add to the list?

I like living on a cash-only budget because it forces me to be creative.  When it comes to Valentine’s Day and Anniversary gifts, this push for more creativity really pays off.  Christi really likes it when I use my creativity to make gifts that have real meaning and somehow represent the life we share.

On our 11th Anniversary, I hit a home run.

I went to Hobby Lobby and bought a medium sized treasure box.  Normally these are pretty expensive, but I happened to get mine when they were on sale – 50% 0ff!

When I got home, I rummaged through the house for pictures, newspaper clippings, and other mementos of our life together.  I used a hot glue gun to secure pictures, hospital bracelets from the birth of our children, tickets,and the key to our first house to the lid, sides, and bottom of the box.

After that I filled the box with mementos.  A stuffed animal we bought at Planet Hollywood on our anniversary.  A clown nose from the circus.  A glass I made out of a 7-up bottle for a “fancy” date of cheese, crackers, and ginger ale when we were in college.  The garter Christi wore on our wedding day.  Coins from Malaysia and Sweden – trips we took before we had kids.  You get the idea.

When it was all done, I closed it up and gave it to Christi.  She loves it.  Now it sits on the hearth of our fireplace.

What I didn’t expect was my daughter’s response.  She regularly opens the box looks at the pictures and touches the mementos.  Every once in a while, she’ll bring one over to ask for it’s story.  She love the history behind Mommy and Daddy’s relationship.  She likes being a part of that history.

I left enough room for Christi to add pictures and mementos as life goes on.  I’m excited to see what she thinks is significant enough to make it into our treasure chest.