Photo by ForeverSouls

My parents raised my younger brother and me to be independent adults.  As I parent, I want my children to learn to be independent. (I wrote about it here)  Cooking for yoursel – regardless of skill – is a vital part of achieving independence.

My daugher (7) is at the age we can help her learn to cook with supervision.  Over the  next five years I want to move her through the process my parents used to teach me to cook.  By the last step, I was able to look at any cookbook and fix almost anything.

Mixing. I have no idea how early my parents started allowing me to mix things.  They taught me to mix the wets before adding the solids.  They taught me to mix until I had lumps and  to mix until things were smooth.  I could mix before I could read, from what I can remember.

Measuring. After mixing, I learned about measuring cups and spoons.  I didn’t even know math or fractions, but I learned how to fill a cup of flour when Mom needed one.  I think learning how to measure ended up helping my math in the long run.

Microwave. After mixing and measuring, I learned how to make Butternut Cheerios in the microwave.  I love them when I was a kid – can’t stand them now.)  Instead, I taught my daughter how to make popcorn in the microwave.  I will probably move her up to microwaving burritos next.

Reading Directions. After I learned how to read, I remember my mom sitting me on the counter and reading the directions to her as she measured and combined the ingredients.

Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Grilled cheese sandwiches are cheap, easy to cook, and easy to replace when they burn.  You can cook them over medium heat with a flat pan.  This is the first time a child learns about getting burned, how to use a spatula, and cooking safety.  I can’t remember how old I was when I began cooking grilled cheese sandwiches, but I was young.

Ground Beef. When I was about 8, Mom allowed me to brown the ground beef for spaghetti, tacos, and chili.  In fact, anytime she needed to brown the beef, she let me do it.  It was a step up from grilled cheeses because ground beef is a staple to many easy recipes.

Biscuits. When we lived in India, Mom taught me to follow the basic biscuit recipe in the Joy of Cooking cookbook.  I made biscuits almost once a week when I was 12-13 years old.

Chili. About the same time I learned how to make Chili from scratch.  I loved learning how to cook Chili because I could make a huge pot and have friends over to eat something I made.  In high school, the girls thought I was pretty cool because I was one of the few guys who could actually prepare, cook, and serve a whole meal for a group of people.  I will never forget that moment of ‘coolness.’

I’d love to hear how you’re teaching your kids to cook.  What’s your process?

Tomorrow, the 15th, Christi and I will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary.  She is my best friend and I love her lots.

We’ll be celebrating this anniversary with our kids.  This anniversary is going to be a celebration of our family.  We’ll probably pull out the wedding albums and tell our kids how we met.  Then we’ll probably pull out the baby albums and celebrate what they each mean to us.

Along the way we’ve learned lots.  To be cute, I thought I’d write eleven things we’ve learned along the way.  (I’d love to hear what you’ve learned in your marriage as well. Feel free to comment.)

It is ok to ask God to help you love her more.

I ask God all the time to help me love my wife more.  I ask Him to call my attention to things I haven’t noticed about her.  I think God loves to answer prayers like that.  I know He answered mine.

It is ok to get counseling.

Christi and I went through some really rough times a few years ago.  We had so much stuff bottled up that we didn’t even know where to begin the conversation.  We went to a counselor to help us get the conversation started and deal with our baggage.  It was one of the best things we ever did.

I know that seeing a counselor is generally not something you talk about.  I think that is stupid.  If you are truly committed to staying together, you get the help you need to make it work.  Seeing a counselor is a demonstration of commitment, not a sign of weakness.  If you need help, get it.  You are both worth it.

Get Out Of Debt

When we first got married, I was bad with money.  I was so optimistic about life that I thought we’d “always make it somehow.”  That was stupid.  I put a lot of needless stress on me and my family.

And trust me, no steak is good enough to still be paying for it seven years later!

Three years ago, Christi and I went on the Dave Ramsey cash-only system.  We haven’t put a penny on credit cards since then.  Yes, there have been some really tight months, but we’re making it.

If you’re in debt, get out as fast as you can.  If you aren’t in debt, cut up the cards right now.

Never Stop Buying Each Other Gifts

Many married couples stop buying each other gifts.  They’ll buy a new TV and call in the ‘Anniversary Present’ or a new washer and dryer for Christmas.

We decided not to do that.  No matter how small, we still buy gifts for each other.  Sometimes, if we have the money, they can be big.  If we don’t, the gifts will be small.

One time I paid cash for a diamond necklace on Valentine’s Day.  I saved up to do it.  Another time I bought her an Archie comic book.  It doesn’t have to be big, it just has to be a gift.

Somehow giving gifts to each other keeps things fresh.

Tell Your Love Stories Often

The story of how you met and married is a love story.  You should tell it to people often.  As the years pass, you develop many more love stories.  You need to tell them to each other, family, and friends as often as you can.  Telling the stories keeps the love alive.

When you have kids, these stories teach them how to love their future spouses.

Have Fun

Play games.  Go for walks.  Squirt each other with water guns.  Write silly songs and sing them to each other.

I know life can be so serious.  Just don’t let life rob you of the joy of being married.

Don’t Do Everything Together

If you do all the same things, if you read all the same books, if you watch all the same movies, you won’t have much to talk about.  Christi and I are very different.  Our differences have helped our marriage.  We have interesting conversations because we experience different things and have different perspectives.

Our differences give us something to talk about.  We learn more about each other though our differences.

Go On Micro-dates

We don’t have enough money to go out on big fancy dates.  Rather than not dating at all, we’ll go on micro-dates. We’ll try to get off work a little early and meet to share a soda at our local Sonic.  We will play Phase 10 after the kids go to bed.  Sometimes we will just walk around the mall.

The important thing is that we create pockets of inexpensive time just to be together.

Encourage Each Other

My job as a husband is to help my wife succeed.  Her job as my wife is to help me succeed.  I am her biggest cheerleader and she is mine.  I don’t ever want Christi to have to find encouragement from anyone other than me.  That means that supporting her is one of the biggest responsibilities I have as a husband.  She feels the same.

Don’t Sulk

Take time to cool off when tempers flare. Express your frustration, disappointment, and hurt.  Whatever you do, don’t sulk.  Don’t give the other person the silent treatment.  Don’t punish them.  Trust me, it doesn’t help.  It makes things worse.  Give each other space, but come together quickly to resolve your differences and move on.

You Can Never Tell Someone You Love Them Too Many Times

Even when I’m out of town, I make a point to tell my wife that I love her.  Life is uncertain.  I want Christi to know that my love is one thing she can always count on.  No matter what.

Christi, I am a better person because of you.  I love you deeply.  Thank you for saying, “I do” eleven years ago.

When I was little, my dad traveled a lot. This was no big deal, but it meant my mom became the primary disciplinarian while he was gone.

One time, after dropping Dad off at the airport, my mom drove a few blocks before pulling off into a parking lot. My little brother and I had no clue what was going on. After putting the car in park, Mom turned around and said in her scariest ‘mom voice,’ “Do you guys want your spankings now or later?”

Wide-eyed, we stammered, “What do you mean?”

“I have to spank you every time your dad leaves town. I figured that we would go ahead and get it over with rather than suffering through your bad behavior.”

We hastily assured her that we didn’t need a spanking. We were sorry and we promised to be good.

Traveling is hard on everyone. Traveling disrupts the daily routines that help children feel secure. If the traveling parent is the primary disciplinarian, the one left behind can have a pretty rough time. Inevitably, children test the boundaries and patience wears thin.

While Christi and I share the burden of disciplining our children pretty equally, Team Watson is definitely one down when one of us is traveling. My recent trip to Helsinki was no different.

“The kids are being brats today.” she IM-ed.

“Do I need to talk with them?”

“I don’t know…” She launched into specifics.

When she was done, I realized that I needed to step into the mix and let the kids know that Mommy and Daddy were on the same team, even when in different timezones and separated by miles of ocean. I had Christi put the kids on the couch in front of the webcam and pulled up ooVoo. My kids smiling faces greeted me. “Hi Daddy,” they chimed in pseudo-angelic voices.

I put on my sternest face and used my scariest “Daddy voice.” “Children, Mommy has been telling me about your behavior and I am not impressed.” I went on to explain what I expected of them while I was out of town and how they needed to change their behavior.

“Yes sir.” they replied, much more subdued.

The next day, I followed up with Christi. She told me that the kid’s behavior was much better. Technology let us down, or I would have called them via ooVoo and expressed my delight with their improved behavior. Follow up is so important and I wish that things would have worked better for us in this case.

Here are some thoughts about disciplining your children while traveling:

1. The traveling parent needs to state their expectations to their children before the trip. I always let my kids know that I expect them to help Mommy and obey her while I’m gone.
2. The stay-at-home parent disciplines the children while the other parent travels. There is no suspension of discipline while one parent travels. The children understand that normal consequences for good and bad behavior apply.
3. The traveling parent backs up the decisions of the stay-at-home parent. Children need to see a united front. They need to know that Mommy and Daddy talk while one or the other is out of town. This helps them feel secure.
4. As often as possible, follow up a ’stern disciplinarian conversation’ with a loving conversation within the next 24 – 48 hours. You have to have a good conversation with your kids before you get on the flight home. God forbid something happen, but if it did, your kids need to remember that the last conversation they had with you was a good one.

Coming home is my favorite part of the trip. For me, coming home is so much better when Christi and I can support each other and parent our children together.