This post is part of a series based on ‘Made to Stick’ by Chip and Dan Heath. While the Heath brothers write for a business audience, I feel that the principles in ‘Made to Stick’ can help us as we design stronger and more ‘Sticky’ families.
I got really annoyed with a friend when he said something to the effect of, “Your priorities are defined by what you’re doing now, at this point in your life. They aren’t what you want to do, what you hope to do, or what you think you should do.” I didn’t want to hear it. I had a list of things that were my ‘priorities.’ When you got right down to it, though, I was only acting on, maybe, one fifth of them.
The same is true of our families. We have a detailed picture of how we want things to be, of our family priorities, but we aren’t doing the things we need to do to make that picture a reality.
I’m not talking about having your dream home or being a family that doesn’t struggle with things from time-to-time. I’m talking about who you want to be as people and what kind of impact you, as a family, want to make on the world.
Want a quick litmus test about where your priorities lie? Sit down with your check book or bank statement. Categorize where you spend your money. Sit down with your calendar. Categorize how you spend your time outside of work. (If you don’t have time outside work, then work is probably a priority!)
How do your list line up with where you want to be? With the priorities you would like to have?
Want a scarier test? Ask your children what they think is important to mommy, daddy and their family.
If you’re not happy with your priorities, don’t worry. You can change your priorities by changing what you do over time.
Sit down with your family. Talk about what kind of family you want to be. Make a list. If you want to be a more generous family, write it down. If you want to be a family that plays together, write it down. If you want to be a family that does community service together, write it down. If you want to be a family that eats dinner together, write it down.
After you make your list, pick one of the priorities and discuss what it will take to make it an actual priority in your family. Focus on the things that you can do. What time can you realistically spend on this priority each week? What money do you need to spend on this priority? What do you need to exclude from your lives to make this thing a priority?
After you identify what you need to do, commit to it for 12 weeks. You may decide that you love whatever it is and want to keep it as a permanent priority of your family. You may decide that you all hated it and that it wasn’t a good fit. You may decide that the time and money you wanted to set aside for this priority wasn’t realistic for your current stage in life. Whatever you decide, it’s important that you work it out as a family.
Here are some ideas:
- If you want to be more generous, think of adopting a Compassion Child.
- If you want to spend more time together, try to eat dinner together or set aside a family game or movie night.
- If you want to do community service together, talk with your local homeless shelter, churches, or food pantry.
- If you want to have a cleaner house, make it a goal to never have a dirty kitchen or bathrooms for the next 12 weeks. Assign each person one responsibility in those rooms.
- If you want to have spiritual conversations, buy a children’s Bible and read one story out of it before bedtime. Let your kids tell you what they think it means.
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