I remember being completely consumed with finding ‘The One’ in college. Every time a girl looked at me twice, I thought, “Could she be the one?” And I wasn’t the only one with ‘The One’ on my mind – my friends and I spent hours talking about who we thought ‘The One’ might be and how life with ‘The One’ would be so much better.
When I was thinking about asking Christi to marry me, I remember a strange conversation with my Dad as I drove him to the Lubbock airport.
“Dad, how do I know if she’s ‘The One?’
“There is no such thing as ‘The One.” he replied.
I was blown away! “What do you mean?”
“Paul, whoever you chose to marry is ‘The One.’ It could be Christi, it could be someone else. Your decision to marry them makes them the one for you.”
I was relieved and disturbed at the same time. The romantic in me had a hard time dealing with a world void of ‘The One’ who was my mystical perfect soul mate.
Years later, Christi read the book, ‘Mindset’ by Dr. Carol Dweck. Chapter 6 covered mindset and its impact on relationships. Dr. Dweck discussed research on married couples that believed in ‘The One’ and those that didn’t. She found that those that believed in ‘The One’ were more likely to get divorced when they faced trouble and less likely to seek counseling to overcome relationship issues. Couples that didn’t believe in ‘The One’ were more likely to stay married and more likely to seek from counselors to overcome marital conflict.
It makes sense, when you think about it. Most people who believe in ‘The One’ see prolonged conflict in marriage as a possible sign that they might not have married their soul mate, that they made a mistake. They don’t seek counseling because they don’t think they need counseling because they married the perfect ‘One’ for them. Counseling would be a sign that they might have made a mistake. Divorce is an option because they wouldn’t want to live miserable lives married to the person who might not be ‘The One’ when ‘The One’ who would bring them perfect happiness might still be out there.
On the other hand, couples who didn’t buy into ‘The One’ are more likely to work to make their marriage work. Arguments aren’t a sign that the marriage won’t work. They are just a sign that they need to work on their marriage. Because they realize their marital happiness is up to them, they read books on relationships and, if necessary, they seek help from professional counselors. They see their marriage as their responsibility and take charge of it rather than leaving their future in the fickle hands of fate.
Christi and I just celebrated eleven years as husband and wife. Neither of us would say the other is perfect. But both of us accept the responsibility and have made the commitment to make the other the only ‘One’ we’ll ever need.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Awww go on ask me in another 23 years time, I might have better idea
I agree with your assessment. Tomorrow Debra and I celebrate 28 years of marriage. We chose to be in an exclusive relationship before God. Daily we make that our reality. Our time together has been great! Couples can make their marriages great, too. It takes both of them working on it!
Congrats, John! It is good to have examples of marriages that last!