This post is part of a series based on ‘Made to Stick’ by Chip and Dan Heath. While the Heath brothers write for a business audience, I feel that the principles in ‘Made to Stick’ can help us as we design stronger and more ‘Sticky’ families
When I was a kid we moved around a lot. We changed countries, houses, schools, friends, and churches on all the time. Even though my environment seemed to be in a permanent state of change, My parents worked very hard to make our home a stable and safe place.
My parents did two things to make our family and home something concrete.
They had clear expectations.
In Love
I remember my mom telling me, “I may not always like you, but you can be certain I will always love you.” When they had my little brother, I remember Mom and Dad explaining that they didn’t divide their love between my new brother and me. Instead, God gave them a bigger heart so they could love us both equally. Regardless of what happened or what I did, I know Mom and Dad loved me.
For Behavior
I always knew how my parents wanted me to behave. I also knew they expected the same behavior from us at home as they did in public. I never had to worry about the boundaries because the boundaries were always the same.
They were consistent.
In Words
My parent’s words always backed up their expectations. They would tell me they loved me even when I had just completely disappointed me. When I misbehaved, they reaffirmed their expectations for my behavior. They told me regularly they were pleased with my choices and were very proud of the man I was becoming.
In Consequences
When I screwed up, I didn’t have to worry about the consequences changing depending on my parents’ moods. Consequences for disobedience were the same from one day to the next and the same between parents. I know this required a lot of communication between my parents, but their additional effort went a long way to make our house a secure, and concrete, home.
Becoming Concrete
Being concrete by having clear expectations and consistent actions will help your family become more sticky, even if you live in a changing environment. Here are some things to consider as you work to become more concrete:
- Are your children certain that you love them regardless of their behavior? Do you tell them this regularly? Do you withhold demonstrations of love (hugs, etc.) when they disappoint you?
- Do you require your children to behave the same way at home and out in public?
- When was the last time you told your children that you were proud of them?
- Do your children know the consequences of misbehavior? Do the consequences change depending on your mood or from spouse to spouse? Take some time and talk with your spouse about bad behavior. Agree on the severity of punishment for different behaviors. Work together to make sure your discipline is consistent.
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